*****CAUTION***** This is REAL!!!!

Several weeks ago I stumbled onto this blog. It is called single Dad Laughing. The post I read was about the disease we call perfection. In his blog he says:

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of "Perfection" spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It's a sickness that I've been trying to put into words for years without much success. It's a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It's a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

As I continued to read I was touched and saddened by this epidemic that I know has had its clutches in me. This unattainable goal of perfection that always seemed just out of my reach. Before you continue on I want you to go to this link and read, "The Disease Called Perfection" and "The CURE for perfection."

http://www.danoah.com

So now comes the really real part, the hard part. It is our fear of rejection that keeps us from truly being ourselves and I have been an accomplice in this. So in answer to Single Dad Laughing here are my struggles, my fears, my heart laid bare.

"The road is anything but simple. It is twisted like a riddle. I've seen high and I've seen low." My life has taken me through many changes and struggles. Some profound and big others trivial to most but big to me. I have known loss. The loss of a child. A child that grew right under my heart and left me all too quickly. My angel, Ella, left a hole in my heart that I am not sure will ever fully heal. I now know that time does not heal all wounds sometimes you just learn to live with the scars. However this great loss was not to be my greatest struggle but my preparation for something else. My greatest struggle was to come with failure. Failure of a marriage. I was married for 13 years to an emotionally abusive man. The shocker of this was that even as the marriage was crumbling I still loved him. I still tried to make it work, tried to "manage" my marriage. In the end he left not because he was miserable but because he found someone else to love. The betrayal was worse than the failure. That he left me for another woman all the while telling me that I was fat, ugly and worthless was even harder to swallow. For 13 years I listened to how I would never be able to accomplish things. I would never be good enough for this or that.....and I believed it! I not only believed those things I actually started to feel them about myself. As I started to believe these awful things I lost myself and became something I didn't even recognize. When the divorce finally came I was battered, broken and hanging on by a thread. As I dealt with all of these things I had 3 amazing kids to think of. I did not have time to wallow. So, ever so slowly I started to tackle this new life. As I did this I began to realize that I really could do things and I really was strong. After a few months I realized I was happy!!!!! HAPPY, how had this happened? I was happier on my own raising 3 kids and doing it all myself than I had been in years. It was at that moment that I realized I had been pretending for far too long.

Guess what I am a MESS and it feels great!!!! I curse, I occasionally yell at my kids and my house seldom looks like a Better Homes and Gardens home. After losing 30 pounds I still wish I was 20 pounds thinner. I don't have the body I used to nor do I have that carefree face without wrinkles. My son can recite more commercials and cartoon characters than I care to admit. My girls know the words to most Lady Gaga songs. This is my life. It is not perfect but it is mine. And I intend to be real, really me with all my imperfections. It is amazing how liberating it is. It freaks a lot of people out, my complete abandonment of propriety. However I had a friend tell me today that I made her happy. She said she was telling all her teammates how awesome I was. I'll admit it when she said this I had to double check that she was talking about me. Then I realized people want to be real. They crave that total acceptance of their flaws. So in the words of my Mom, "let your freak flag fly!" "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter!"

Is this too much to ask for?????

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat....wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks your pretty without your makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you....The one who turns to his friends and says, "that's her."

Maybe I am too much of a romantic. Maybe this is too much to ask for or to hope to find. I mean I know no one is perfect especially not me but maybe the trick is to be almost perfect for each other. Who knows....then again I know couples who have this....who want to grow old together...who enjoy their family and their life together. I want this.

I'm Alive

Sometimes you find music that speaks to your mood and expresses your thoughts better than you ever could. Here is my latest.

Unniversary

I have officially been divorced for over a year. A couple of months ago I passed the year mark and I made up a new holiday, I call this my unniversary. As I passed my unniversary I tried to look back at all the useful things that I have learned. So here goes the list. (come on you knew it was coming)

My Unniversary List

1. Those platitudes that people say are probably true. Unfortunately what doesn't kill you does only make you stronger, who knew?

2. I can fail and do it big. Winston Churchill said, "Failure is not fatal, success is not final. It is the courage to continue that counts." I used to be afraid of failure but I have failed miserably and I am still alive, not without a few scratches but still alive. See previous post for music video, 'nuff said.

3. I will not be rescued by a prince. I will be my own rescuer (is this even a word?). No one is coming to save me. I had to save me and that turned out to be just fine.

4. I am strong! I am sure we all play the "what if" game. What if this happened? What if that happened? I always wondered when my "what if" came would I be strong enough? Would I be able to pull through? I found out that I would, could and did.

5. I would not be this strong without the Lord. Elder Anderson gave a talk last conference in which he said, " When your heart is broken but your spirit is strong. You have learned that hope, happiness and joy are not products of circumstance but of faith in the Lord. This is true! I know this because I am happy. Life is still good!

6. Betrayal might be worse than failure. I am undecided on this but I do know betrayal feels worse.

7. Happiness is a choice and I choose happiness.

8. Life is still way too short to waste time hating someone.

9. Life changes. Whether good or bad the situation will change. Just go with it you may find out it is better than what you wanted to happen anyway.

10. Sometimes you have to let go of the life you planned in order to have the life waiting for you. This was not in my big plan. This is not the life I chose however, this is my life. I only get one so I have to make the best of it.

11. Sometimes a beginning starts in the middle. This is my second chance and I get to decided what to do with it. Delicious ambiguity.

11. What other people think of me is none of my business. I worried a lot about what people thought about me at first. Then I decided it was just too exhausting to worry about it. So I stopped. It was pretty liberating.

12. We all mess up! Everyone makes mistakes. Life is messy. So, maybe we should try to be a little kinder to ourselves and others when we screw up big.

These are only a few things I have learned. I read somewhere that if you really wanted to get to know a person you should divorce them. I am not sure I believe that because while he is now a mystery to me I am no longer a stranger to myself. I think about this life I am living. How I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. I will never again pretend to be someone I am not. I will be me, come what may.

The Merry Merry Month of May

May has come and gone and we were so so busy that I never had a chance to blog. So here is my month of May. It started with Mother's Day. I must say I approached Mother's Day with trepidation. I was unsure how I would feel or how it would go, this being my "first" as a single mother. The day, to my surprise, was fantastic. The kids and I got in the kitchen and cooked our meal together. I have to say this has become the best part of my Sundays. It has turned into a sort of tradition and the kids LOVE it. Then the kids "made" me take a nap. While I was sleeping they made a stage on the front porch, decorated the house with cars of love and appreciation and made up a skit. They all got on their make shift stage and sang a song then separately each one of them got up and told me how much they loved me and how much they appreciated me. Last, they handed me a special gift from a secret friend. It was amazing and I felt very, very loved! My cup runneth over!



Here they are all dressed up in their mis-matched Sunday clothes in a pose at the end of the song. Gotta LOVE LOVE LOVE those kids.





The next big step in my merry month of May was a 5K. Grace and I signed up to do the 5K with the Ogden Marathon. I trained all winter and really fell in love with running. I used to hate to run but it seems to bring me clarity and stress relief. When I am grumpy the kids even say, "Mom, you have got to go get on the treadmill!" A couple weeks before the race I had an asthma attack and had to stop running for a bit. This really made me feel unprepared for the race but I was determined to do it. So race day came and guess what I DID IT! Grace and I ran it in 42 min 11 secs. not as fast as I had hope for but still. Coming across that finish line I just kept thinking, I can REALLY do anything I set my mind to! What a light bulb moment for me. Grace and I are running another 5K in June and I hope to improve my time and I decided to run a 1/2 marathon. Yep folks, one year from May I am going to do it!

After the 5K Olivia and Cole came up to run the kids K. It was a 1 mile run and I was SO very proud of them...they ran it in 14 minutes. Liv was strong and steady, she ran almost the whole way. Cole has no idea about pacing himself but he will learn. What a proud day it was for all of us!


Next in this great month was the wrap up of school. The kids have field day and crazy hair day. It was a ton of fun and of course Cole did not want to be left out so he went to preschool with blue spikes that day.

Here is Olivia in her crazy hair and field day t-shirt. The next pic is of her playing a tug of war game with a kid from her class.

Here is Miss Grace.

She is playing a game where she had to bounce with this ball between her legs. She was so funny using her arms like a bird to propel her forward.

May also brought the end of soccer season. Cole was a little soccer demon as I knew he would be. He loved it so much and can't wait to start wrestling in October. I think we have an athlete on our hands. Grace's Thunderfoot team had a very successful and fun season. Tryouts brought more change and re-arranging and we are sad that she will be starting on a whole new team with only four of her previous team members but we also know that change equals growth so we will go with the flow.

This years changes are so hard to put into words. For me it was a lot of firsts. The first Holidays single, a first date, a first year without. There are really no words to express the he things that have occurred in our lives this year. Through it all I have been amazed at the kids and their resilience. They are strong and though these changes have not come without scars they are for the better. There is more love, softer words and more compassion in our home. Things that I believe were missing before. For this I will be forever grateful. With loss comes growth. I am a different person and although it was not my choice it is my change. I rely more on the Lord, on his direction to shape the course of my life. His choices may not be the ones I would make on my own but I know that he has more wisdom and concern for me than anyone else in my life. So I follow. Could I have found this peace, this "knowing" without this strife? Maybe, but I know that eventually I will look back and say, "Yes! This too was for my good"

Pics of the new diggs

This is the front of our little house. There is a huge side yard. A back porch and back yard with a fire pit. It really feels like coming home.

This is the girls room. The downstairs also has my enormous food storage "store" and the wash room.

This is part of the "girls apartment" or the downstairs.

This is a picture of my kitchen. Looking in from the front room. The kitchen is the one big room in the entire house. That white door leads to my mud room and back porch.

Here is the front room. Again I love the windows. Mia likes to sit at this window and bark at anything that moves. The cows, cars going by or birds.

This is the fireplace room. The fireplace does not work but it is beautiful. I am having a difficult time decorating so any hints would be nice. This is also our TV room. Behind me are the original glass doors that close to keep the room separate.

This is my bedroom. It isn't a great picture. Also this is my step up closet. You have to step up to walk into it.

This is our bathroom, one bathroom. It has been a huge adjustment. One day someone was in the tub, on the toilet and one was brushing their teeth. It is sure making us a "close" family....*smile*

The hallway, I love the hardwood floor.

This is Cole's room

Hope I didn't bore you with pictures. But this is it.

The BIG Move

It has happened, the big move! It was awful, moving myself and three kids was an enormous job. Much too big for little ol' me. *smile* I have therefore decided to never move again. Dixie (my landlord & friend) has told me that I have a couple of years before her children need the house so I might be safe for a while. The packing, downsizing and reorganizing of a whole house was just so overwhelming and tremendous. Of course the help was amazing. We started at 10 am and we were totally moved by 12:30. I had so much help and I felt totally loved! So a HUGE thanks to all who helped, I couldn't have done it without you. I wish I could give each of you a personal tour because the house is really perfect and the pictures (in the previous post) do not do it justice. I have to tell you the house is a blessing and an answer to my many prayers. I heard this story in church a couple of months ago that stuck with me.

It took place in a farming community. In this particular town there had been several months without rain and the crops were suffering. One day in church the preacher said that it was going to rain. Two of the farmers in his congregation went home having complete faith that it would rain. one of the farmers went to bed that night and the next morning he woke up went outside and expected the rain. He did this for several days. the other farmer went home and planted his crops. I have tried to be like the second farmer.

I too have planted my crops. I applied to Utah State University and I put my house up for sale. I made plans to move. I felt a little like Nephi making plans while "not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." So I prayed and prayed and then I prayed some more. I continually prayed for strength and fortitude, that the Lord will see fit to take my weakness and make them strengths. This perfect little house has felt like coming home. Like I said it is perfect for us. I am continually amazed by the Lord and His grace. My life is simple nothing grand but He sees me. Really sees me and answers with a perfect little house.

Vegas Baby!

Grace and I had the opportunity to go to St. George for a soccer tournament, over Presidents weekend. The warm weather was awesome and just what I needed. Her team played 3 games and won one. It was a good experience for them and they really held their own. Then since we were down there we went to Vegas. Now I have never been to Vegas and I must say it was a sight to see.

I felt like we walked everywhere. This is at the Harley Davidson Cafe. they have this giant flag made out of chain link fence. It was really cool and it even had 50 flashing stars.

Grace and Caden in front of the Bilagio. We stood there and waited and waited. Then these tiny little fountains came up and I thought it was pretty lame. So as we are walking off the "real" fountains started and it was really cool. The fountains shot higher than top of the casino.

We went to Caesar's Palace. This is Grace and I with Zeus! What a hottie....We will have to go back for sure I don't think we even got to see 1/5 of Vegas! It was fun but not a place I would ever want to live. Also my car got hit in the parking lot and the bumper is a little worse for wear but I guess that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!

Oh How I hate You!

January, oh how I hate you, January. January has always been a very rough month and this one was no exception. I have felt a profound sadness this month and for some reason I have been more than a little discouraged.

I have been making plans for the future. I found a place to move. It is small but big enough for us. I also applied to USU and although there is so much to do I am excited about starting school again. Maybe this is why I am so anxious because the last plans I made didn't exactly work out how I had, well, planned. I move forward with a smile on my face and a future ahead of me. Most days I am fantastic and I feel like I can actually accomplish it all. Other days I feel overwhelmed, stressed and forgotten. I think this is normal?

In the midst of all of these torn emotions I have been praying. Perhaps for divine intervention. Perhaps to know the ending of my somewhat tragic love story. Whichever it is praying continually. It was in one of these discouraging, poor me, moments that I read about Hannah. The scriptures say that Hannah was a woman of "sorrowful spirit." It says that "she was in bitterness of soul" and prayed to the Lord. Hannah could not bear children and this caused her great sorrow. The scriptures also tell us that after Hannah prayed for children "the Lord remembered her." (1 Samuel 1:19) Hannah felt overwhelming grief because she could not bear children. I have felt overwhelming grief of another nature but still overwhelming. I know that the Lord will also remember me, Nicole, in my grief.

Our journeys are vastly different. Mine has held great joy and unspeakable sorrow. Much like the pioneers we have to pay a price to become acquainted with God. Am I willing to pay this price? You better believe it. The Lord knows what I need. He knows where I need to be and why. Would it be easier to pack up and move home? You bet. The absolute aloneness is sometimes crushing but for some reason I need to be here. In the long run it won't matter if our journey was filled with sunshine or heaping amounts of snow. It will only matter where that journey will lead us. My journey right now seems fraught with snow, broken wagon wheels and snake bites. In the end, though, I have to believe I will look back and be grateful for this difficult way.

Life's Like That......

Okay, so this week was a hard one. It seems like I take a couple steps froward and then a few GIANT leaps back. So of course when I feel down I turn to music and I, surprise, surprise found a Hillary Weeks song that spoke to my soul......

Another day, I'll try again. But can you tell me will the hurting ever end? I've been taught and I believe. I need you by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. Lord, do you hear my prayer? How soon will you answer me?

How many of us feel this way? How many of us have this continual struggle? Sometimes I feel like I will never be whole again. That I will never get past all of this. However, the other half of the song is the answer that speaks to my soul. That tells me I will be okay and I will make it. The Lord answers and says....

I know your weary I know you've had all you can bare and now you ask of me on bended knee I promise I'll be there. I've watched you struggle and yet I can see how much you've grown. Child could you feel my power in your darkest? You were not alone. Be still and know that I am God. I'm by your side, whom shall you fear? I give you strength, my child I am here. There's no prayer that I won't hear lift up your head, my child. I am here!

I know he hears us. I know he hears ME! I now KNOW I am worth it and he will always be there. He takes my hurt and makes it bearable. What a miracle this is. It is a miracle that I am okay. I have faced and am facing one of the hardest things imaginable and with the Lord on my side I will come out on the other end okay! Who says miracles are not around us everywhere?

Jump Rope

My life is like that Blue October song, Life's Like a Jump Rope. Up down, Up down, Life's like a jump rope......That is my life seems full of ups and downs. Lately I have been very stressed and a bit discouraged. Am I making the right choices and how could this all possibly work out? Trying to sell the house and find a place to live that will fit my budget and accept my dog. Things with the kids and how will I survive the summer without a job?
Despite all of this, I am actually happy. This, to me, seems like a small miracle in itself. I think of the the people of Israel in the Old Testament. In the book of Joshua the people of Israel are traveling. Joshua tells them to pay careful attention and follow their leaders because: "ye have not passed this way heretofore" I have definitely not passed this way heretofore.
My assurances can only come from the Lord. There is no one else. No one to answer and assure me. God is great! This may sound trite but He is. He is greater than any problem, discouragement or adversity. I have had to learn to trust that his will is for my good. I know that he knows exactly what I need even when I do not know what I need. Of course there is still hurt, fear and pain but I know his arms are enfolding me and taking away the full pain that I would have to endure otherwise. There is hope in that and for now that has to be enough.

I Made It!

I made it!!!!! Made it through the Holidays. I was worried for a while but I have such great support and love that I made it and I actually enjoyed it! Christmas Eve we went over to the Juassi's and mixed our family traditions. The kids had a ball! Man, do we love those Juassi people. Then it was Christmas. The kids were spoiled (of course) and I spoiled myself. Christmas Day Will came over and watched the kids open presents. After he left with the kids I took a nice nap and a long bath. Then I was able to go over to my surrogate family, the Granges, and hang out with them. I have to say I haven't laughed that hard for a while. I was so worried about the "first" holiday on my own and because of the Savior and all of my friends I made it and even enjoyed it. So Thanks to all of you! We have been very blessed and we feel VERY loved!