Life's Like That......

Okay, so this week was a hard one. It seems like I take a couple steps froward and then a few GIANT leaps back. So of course when I feel down I turn to music and I, surprise, surprise found a Hillary Weeks song that spoke to my soul......

Another day, I'll try again. But can you tell me will the hurting ever end? I've been taught and I believe. I need you by my side. I don't have the strength to make it on my own. Lord, do you hear my prayer? How soon will you answer me?

How many of us feel this way? How many of us have this continual struggle? Sometimes I feel like I will never be whole again. That I will never get past all of this. However, the other half of the song is the answer that speaks to my soul. That tells me I will be okay and I will make it. The Lord answers and says....

I know your weary I know you've had all you can bare and now you ask of me on bended knee I promise I'll be there. I've watched you struggle and yet I can see how much you've grown. Child could you feel my power in your darkest? You were not alone. Be still and know that I am God. I'm by your side, whom shall you fear? I give you strength, my child I am here. There's no prayer that I won't hear lift up your head, my child. I am here!

I know he hears us. I know he hears ME! I now KNOW I am worth it and he will always be there. He takes my hurt and makes it bearable. What a miracle this is. It is a miracle that I am okay. I have faced and am facing one of the hardest things imaginable and with the Lord on my side I will come out on the other end okay! Who says miracles are not around us everywhere?

Jump Rope

My life is like that Blue October song, Life's Like a Jump Rope. Up down, Up down, Life's like a jump rope......That is my life seems full of ups and downs. Lately I have been very stressed and a bit discouraged. Am I making the right choices and how could this all possibly work out? Trying to sell the house and find a place to live that will fit my budget and accept my dog. Things with the kids and how will I survive the summer without a job?
Despite all of this, I am actually happy. This, to me, seems like a small miracle in itself. I think of the the people of Israel in the Old Testament. In the book of Joshua the people of Israel are traveling. Joshua tells them to pay careful attention and follow their leaders because: "ye have not passed this way heretofore" I have definitely not passed this way heretofore.
My assurances can only come from the Lord. There is no one else. No one to answer and assure me. God is great! This may sound trite but He is. He is greater than any problem, discouragement or adversity. I have had to learn to trust that his will is for my good. I know that he knows exactly what I need even when I do not know what I need. Of course there is still hurt, fear and pain but I know his arms are enfolding me and taking away the full pain that I would have to endure otherwise. There is hope in that and for now that has to be enough.

I Made It!

I made it!!!!! Made it through the Holidays. I was worried for a while but I have such great support and love that I made it and I actually enjoyed it! Christmas Eve we went over to the Juassi's and mixed our family traditions. The kids had a ball! Man, do we love those Juassi people. Then it was Christmas. The kids were spoiled (of course) and I spoiled myself. Christmas Day Will came over and watched the kids open presents. After he left with the kids I took a nice nap and a long bath. Then I was able to go over to my surrogate family, the Granges, and hang out with them. I have to say I haven't laughed that hard for a while. I was so worried about the "first" holiday on my own and because of the Savior and all of my friends I made it and even enjoyed it. So Thanks to all of you! We have been very blessed and we feel VERY loved!

My Bucket List

I am saying GOOD RIDDANCE to 2009 and in light of all that has happened this year I decide it would be a good idea to make my very own bucket list. Here goes nothing:

1. Fall in love.
2. Swim with sharks.
3. Travel & see the world.
4. Swim in a tub full of GREEN jello. (the green part is important, I have no idea why.)
5. Learn to play the guitar.
6. Get my degree.
7. Have my own classroom.
8. Learn to snowboard.
9. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
10. Learn to scuba dive.
11. Visit the historic temples.
12. Take a church history tour.
13. See a show on Broadway.
14. Get married in the temple.
15. Take my kids to Disney World.
16. Build my Dream House
17. Become a noble woman with confidence that comes from giving myself to the Lord.
18. Read the BOM every year.
19. Raise my children in truth and light.
20. Send my son on a mission.
21. Have all of my children married in the temple.
22. Belong to a family that LOVES to hang out together.
23. Live my life without regret.
24. Go to Hawaii with the man I love.
25. Take my kids to see the ocean.
26. Travel up the Oregon coast.
27. Give forgiveness.

This is just my beginning. Funny that my beginning is now in the middle, who knew? I am lucky, actually. Lucky that I get a second chance at the life I have always wanted. Not everyone gets that.

My Crazy, Beautiful, Messed Up Life.

As this year comes to a close I have many regrets and even more what ifs. Marjorie Pay Hinckley said:

"There are some years in our lives that we wouldn't want to live again.

But even those years will pass away and the lessons learned will be a future blessing."

I know all things happen for a reason. I have seen the tender mercies of the Lord through all of this. I have grown closer to Him in these months than in my entire life. I have learned to use the atonement more fully in my life. I have been blessed by the kindness of others. I have become a better Mother. I am more aware of the needs of my children and because of this I am more attentive. So although I would never choose to live this year again, I can already see the blessings.....

I have learned much. What follows are the things I have learned:

*No one is in charge of my happiness but me.

*First breathe and after every so called disaster ask will this really matter later.

* I know time heals almost everything. So I just have to give time, time.

*What other people think of me is none of my business.

*However good or bad this situation is, it will change.

*My children only get one childhood.

*No matter how I feel I get up, dress up & show up.

*Whatever doesn't kill me really will only make me stronger.

*It is never too late for a second chance and this one is all up to me.

*When it comes to going after what you love, don't take no for an answer.

*Envy and jealousy are a waste of time. I have everything I need.

*Use the fine china instead of saving it for a "special" day. Today is THAT special day.

*Life isn't fair. But it is still good.

*When in doubt just take the next small step.

*Life is WAY too short to waste time hating someone.

*Cry.....it heals the soul

*It is okay to let your kids see you cry.

*Don't compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is about.

*Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

*Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up your future.

*Over prepare & then go with the flow.

*If we all threw our problems in a pile & I saw all of yours, I would probably take my own back.

* THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

The Kiddos

Here they are: Grace 10, Olivia 8, & Cole 5.

Aren't they just spectacular? They are my sole focus. When I am with them that is all there is, me and these three. I get to have every other weekend to myself (which I have to admit is nice) but other than that it is me and them. It is exhausting but I am sustained by the Lord. They have had a difficult time with everything. An adjustment from all of us to weekends with their Dad is hard but they are resilient.
Grace seems to be having the hardest time. She was always a daddy's girl and so her struggle is more evident. Soccer had really been her saving grace. She can get all of her anger, frustration and aggression out on the field. I have to say that her soccer game has greatly improved. Grace is learning to cook and delights in baking cakes for everyone she can think of. She is in the 5th grade and has an amazing teacher who really loves her.
Olivia, my sweet Olivia. She is the heart of us all. She is sad sometimes but she has lost her self in service. She loves to help everyone. She has taken up piano and has real talent for it. Now if I could just get her to practice.
Cole. That is really all there is to say. He is abounding with life. He has shown his frustration with is behavior and it seems like most days it is a constant fight. Just when I think I might have to kill him he turns to me and smiles and says," I love you, MOM!" He still loves anything with wheels and even got a skateboard for his birthday.
When I watch these kids I realize that although this path is hard, I am SO VERY blessed. They keep me laughing and thankful. What more does a person need?

WHEW! What a day.

My day:

Started out good.

9.4 down.

Ton to do.

Work, work, work.

Activity days @ my house.

Go to store.

Check engine light AGAIN!

Check out, no wallet.

You see where this is going.

Extreme frustration.

Some yelling.

Kids crying.

Hurt feelings.

*Breathe*

*Pray.*

Scriptures.

Kids bed.

Read comments.

Feel extremely blessed.

Surrounded by greatness.

Loved.

Not my plan.

But the plan is good.

THANKS!